Dose: 7 tabs of blotter EC tested at 82ug each (574ug total), taken all at once, held sublingually.
To preface this I will say such – At 14 years of age I suffered a tragedy in life which has haunted every second of my existence. At the young age of 14, and having not grown up with a father or siblings or big family etc, I watched essentially my only relative – my mother – die from leukemia.
Although of course at the time I did shed some tears. I never grieved for my mother. Most stark was the day of the funeral. Instead of showing any sign of emotion whatsoever, I made a conscious effort to suppress everything I was feeling. During the eulogy and all of that – well I have no memory of any part of what was being said – I stared directly at the ground in front of me. From arrival to end I battled to shove everything I was feeling deep down inside me. Rather than spending the time releasing the emotions I was feeling, I spent it battling myself to force myself to betray no sign of emotion… And my feelings became a mish-mash of resentment and horror.
I recall that family members remarked how I was “holding up so well”. Which is ironic because inside I was quite literally fracturing in two. Externally for many months I experienced mania (like a bipolar person), I had boosted confidence, I felt more extroverted than ever…altered… But eventually this mania faded and I was left as an anxious mess.
At the moment of my mother’s death I distinctly felt that I was in a “new life”, I wasn’t me anymore. I looked just like me, but I wasn’t me. This is when I split into two parts of a whole.
So as the drug hit, which would be 7 tabs of acid (EC tested at 82ug each), I began to become a bit insane. I should mention that for transparency to give an idea of the full experience… But I did become a bit crazy and started licking walls and bed sheets, and spent some time making bizarre and extremely strained crazy faces at my camera phone.
What this really was though was an intensity of feeling that at the time my brain wasn’t sure how to even interpret – so it manifested in my acting nuts since I knew I was feeling SOMETHING strong but wasn’t sure what and wasn’t sure how to express it.
As this continued it became immediately apparent to my mind that I WANTED to experience hellish nightmares. I didn’t know why – but it felt right. I began to look up “bad trip vibes” etc. on YouTube to try to find something overwhelming and horrifying, because I didn’t know what these emotions were or how to channel them. But horrifying and overwhelming things felt satisfying like I was teething and chewing on bone.
Put simply: Feeling bad felt GOOD.
I searched for scary sound effects, then eventually I found what I felt I wanted which was a sound effect clip of a screaming panicked crowd. I listened to this and I began to shake physically and a rage and fury I have never known built up inside of me.
Suddenly I just snapped, in a violent torrent of utter fury I started physically attacking the air. My entire body was shaking with blind rage. I continued physically attacking the air for a LONG time with headphones in and the sound of screaming crowds at full volume. As I continued to do so, tears began to escape my eyes slightly and then it slowly became apparent what precisely it was that I was experiencing – which was over a decade of repressed grief and anger over the loss of my mother.
I attacked the air so long and so viciously and only stopped because my fitness was not able to go any longer. Although I believe if my fitness allowed it I could have continued for a good 2 hours or more smashing at the air in fits of anger, I could not continue.
Everything was soaked in sweat, I was panting and it took a time to get my breath back.
When I did get my breath back, I put on music, then a torrent of different emotion hit me, which was grief. I cried extremely and profusely. So much so that I was hyperventilating. This lasted for at least an hour or two. I was yelling at nobody WHY, WHY, WHY.
I was verbalizing thoughts and feelings from over a decade ago: Friends being “sorry for my loss” but how could they possibly know? How can they know what it’s like to – as young boy – watch the only parent you have slowly lose their life to cancer? To know what it’s like for her to come home in “remission” and everything feels good and right and then she’s suddenly extremely ill. Then watching paramedics take her away in a wheelchair while she has no hair due to the chemo drugs as she repeatedly tells me she’s so sorry.
How can they know what it’s like to be a 14 year old boy watching the only person you love and care about die in an ICU unit with tubes stuck down their throat, barely resembling your loved one at all where the sickness has physically damaged them so much?
And how can I POSSIBLY show them I feel this way? How can I tell people I really feel this way? They don’t know what to do or say, they just feel uncomfortable. So at the time of this life event I started to feel guilty for even feeling these feelings. I began to feel that my suffering was impacting others and I felt that was my fault… Again I shoved everything down… I felt afraid people would casually make “your mom” jokes and that they would then feel awkward after some whisperings in their ear (which did in fact happen) and I would feel guilty for this – it’s all my fault people feel this way around me.
How long do you think the people you call friends can bare to put up with your pain and depression? A week, a month?
They have not been hit by trauma, so after a little while, especially given everyone is still a child, you are nothing but a burden. They can’t understand how you could feel pain for so long and there’s only so long they’re willing to be supportive. They don’t know that I lost EVERYTHING, not only my actual daily life which was now of course permanently altered with new living situations etc. but also my sense of identity. I lost EVERYTHING that made me ME. I might as well have died myself… Eventually everyone just continues and you are sort of left behind, you’re “damaged goods”.
While crying and outpouring all this emotion at the same time I began to smile while still crying. Because I had connected to a part of myself that has always been out of bounds except in dreams. I was almost ecstatic and devastated at the exact same time because I felt so unburdened.
In dreams I would see my mother dying repeatedly and scream and yell at the top of my lungs – but then as soon as I woke up it was gone, I could not feel a thing. Like it was out of bounds to my waking mind.
For the first time in my life, these obviously repressed feelings came out in my waking conscious self…
I felt like the part of me I lost when my sense of self fractured in two (at the point of my mom’s death) came back. I felt like the two fractured parts had finally come back together, albeit sort of duct-tape tier fixed together, I clearly will never be quite the same (as would be expected), but a part of me that has been lost for almost 15 years came back.
I looked over my room and saw a box of Quest protein bars in the birthday cake flavor. It felt so apt, I felt that I had been reborn back into the world.
This was my new birthday.
I consider myself to now have two birthdays, my real birthday where I entered the world, and my second birthday where after losing my life I was reborn back into existence.
I felt as though I should try to permanently stop taking the medication I have been on for the anxiety and depression (I stopped taking them just for this experience. I have tripped a number of times before but I always want stronger visuals and felt if I stopped taking medication I might get to experience that).
Whatever happens from here, even if after the afterglow I feel a bit off again, there is absolutely no question at all that I purged SO, SO, SO much repressed emotion that NEEDED to come out and I will no doubt feel better in daily life than I can remember ever feeling. And that is why despite physically trembling from head to toe with grief I was smiling and felt so happy to know that this was leaving my body.
You cannot live your life with that much rage hiding deep down somewhere in your psyche.