At just a little after midnight I dropped 4 tabs of LSD, EC lab tested as being 82ug each, meaning I had dropped 328ug of LSD. Usually on LSD I liven up and want to listen to music but for some reason I did not want to listen to music at all.
I had not taken LSD for a bit over a week. I was not planning to “breakthrough” or anything, but once I was peaking I decided to have a hit of DMT which I had pre-loaded before taking the acid just in case.
My Storz & Bickel MIGHTY vaporizer had no charge left unfortunately, and the charger made no “sense” to me. It was in two parts, and I was laughing like mad at this “alien” contraption. It really is a bit of an unusual charger, you actually have to attach the bit that goes into the plug socket into the head of it if you understand what I mean. I kept putting it in upside down and all sorts. Until finally eventually I got it in right, the right way round and everything.
It was then that I hit the DMT, I began inhaling at a temperature of 175C… Because of the low battery failed attempts where it only heated to 50-something C then began to drop, it’s possible the DMT was “pre-melted” into the liquid wire mesh pad you put into the device, explaining the strength of the experience when I hit it successfully.
30+mg N,N-DMT trip portion:
I don’t remember much about this part but I remember taking a long inhale, holding it then breathing out, and I may or may not have taken another – I recall seeing smoke coming out of the nozzle. I think that’s the last thing I really saw before everything fell apart.
This wasn’t like an ordinary “trip” or anything like that, I knew STRAIGHT away that this was something very, very, very beyond. I instantly turned off the vape and put it aside and I experienced briefly what I can only describe as something completely indescribable. At the time I was trying to think of how I could document or explain this but I realized it would not be possible. There were no “non-existent” colours or mystical things people say to try to make it sound cool – though I can try to give you a general idea…
I have this projector type nightlight thing in my room I like to put on while tripping. It projects a moving blue mist and green dots which are supposed to be “stars” around the room. When I hit that DMT, my room seemed to glow orange, all the green dots seemed to become- I don’t know- eyes I interpreted it as? But the “visuals” did not really matter here because everything was falling apart.
I was still in my room, but everything ceased to exist: everything EXCEPT existence itself. I didn’t feel bliss. I didn’t feel anxiety. I didn’t feel love. I didn’t feel fear. I didn’t feel emotion because emotions don’t exist where it took me. My human body did not seem to even really matter anymore, in fact I didn’t even feel like I was in my body, I felt like I was the wall… At least visually speaking, because the wall sort of filled my entire vision and it was the 2D sheet of existence itself, and I rejoined that sheet of “all that there is” (existence itself).
Every hallucinogenic compound I’ve ever taken was here in this “everything”. Most notably Salvia. Salvia seems to take you to this exact same place BEYOND “entities”, beyond “speaking to god”, beyond “elves”, it takes you to the matter of existence itself. Except the drug trip part of Salvia obscures your vision of this “everything” because at the same time it makes you feel like you are being physically thrown around and that you’re a green tile or something crazy… Salvia induces psychotic laughter, and here I also felt compelled to laugh-
But I was able to stifle my psychotic laughter. I just kept saying “I know, I know, shhhh, I won’t tell I promise”. We (we being the sheet of existence itself) were laughing at how all the other conscious entities (AKA us, but tricked into thinking they’re separate things like humans and so on) actually don’t realize they are us… That’s what I was promising I wouldn’t tell.
Where I was, was the bottom of the rabbithole. The universe felt tiny compared to me, because I was existence, and the universe is a part of existence. I was all-encompassing. Everything there ever was and ever will be. And evertyhing that ever was and ever will be is also existence itself – it just doesn’t know it. But this sheet, this 2D sheet of existence, that is all that really truly exists.
IT is EVERYTHING.
As it subsided, the trip was so “WTF” and overwhelming that it was like a “sloooowly back away” type thing you see in sitcoms when someone walks in on a really weird situation. It was so fucking insane I was like “uhhh, maybe I should just forget that ever happened and never speak of it again”. Like this:
But of course I didn’t do this as I am writing it to you now.
Being “ready” for the experience became a laughable thought, it doesn’t MATTER if you’re “ready”, no human emotion etc. matters. Trust me if you get HERE then no shamanistic BS will change anything. It just IS what it IS. And you don’t get to even interpret it from the perspective of a human. Decades of Zen monk practice don’t matter here, because that’s a human thing, and human things don’t exist here. Joe Sixpack lighting up behind a needle-addled dumpster is as “enlightened” as a Buddhist monk when they get “here”.
Even trying to prepare for the experience or engage in spiritual practice seems like the complete wrong way to approach it, because it’s like you are trying to get “here” using your body. But your body is left behind, your human experience, emotions, everything is left behind. To get “here” you have to set aside your Buddhist yoga practice and everything that ever made you you or a human – except when you hit the DMT (specifically on acid, because I have done more DMT before, but it’s the combination that seemed to be like a “2+2=infinity” type thing, the two things together are infinitely powerful), you don’t actually get a choice ANYWAY, as it WILL remove it.
You could have been petrified of getting “here”, but once you’re “here” that doesn’t exist anymore because being petrified is a human emotion and that doesn’t exist “here”.
I stopped existing. Every hallucinogen I’ve ever used seemed to be huddled up here together with me laughing, as I rejoined and became literally the sheet of existence itself. It wouldn’t have mattered if I was alive or dead anymore… I checked my FitBit “in the name of science” and saw it at 64BPM but it seemed so laughable… And literally it is true, even if I the human life is extinguished, existence itself continues to exist…
Salvia kicked in a fair bit. Like the insane laughter. But I was like “shhhhh shhhhh, I know, I know, I won’t tell if you won’t”… And I was like “yess yess I KNOW, they ACTUALLY don’t realize they’re part of us!” and we were laughing at the other conscious “entities” (AKA us but tricked into thinking they’re these different things like humans etc).
In my peripheral something is sort of tearing open a glimpse at me and is peeking at me. It’s all part of that “shhhh don’t tell” type thing. I’m telling them like yesss I know shhh, I won’t tell.
It shot me so far into the stratosphere, that when I came back, the 328ug of acid I was peaking on felt like total sobriety.
I was still tripping around 12 hours after I dropped, when I took sleeping aids so I could rest.