The Psychedelic Experience

575ug LSD: “Bad” (Healing) Trip – HOURS of pain, tears, torment and rage… Followed by rebirth…

Dose: 7 tabs of blotter EC tested at 82ug each (574ug total), taken all at once, held sublingually.

Preface

 
To preface this I will say such – At 14 years of age I suffered a tragedy in life which has haunted every second of my existence. At the young age of 14, and having not grown up with a father or siblings or big family etc, I watched essentially my only relative – my mother – die from leukemia.

Although of course at the time I did shed some tears. I never grieved for my mother. Most stark was the day of the funeral. Instead of showing any sign of emotion whatsoever, I made a conscious effort to suppress everything I was feeling. During the eulogy and all of that – well I have no memory of any part of what was being said – I stared directly at the ground in front of me. From arrival to end I battled to shove everything I was feeling deep down inside me. Rather than spending the time releasing the emotions I was feeling, I spent it battling myself to force myself to betray no sign of emotion… And my feelings became a mish-mash of resentment and horror.

I recall that family members remarked how I was “holding up so well”. Which is ironic because inside I was quite literally fracturing in two. Externally for many months I experienced mania (like a bipolar person), I had boosted confidence, I felt more extroverted than ever…altered… But eventually this mania faded and I was left as an anxious mess.

At the moment of my mother’s death I distinctly felt that I was in a “new life”, I wasn’t me anymore. I looked just like me, but I wasn’t me. This is when I split into two parts of a whole.

—

Experience

 
So as the drug hit, which would be 7 tabs of acid (EC tested at 82ug each), I began to become a bit insane. I should mention that for transparency to give an idea of the full experience… But I did become a bit crazy and started licking walls and bed sheets, and spent some time making bizarre and extremely strained crazy faces at my camera phone.

What this really was though was an intensity of feeling that at the time my brain wasn’t sure how to even interpret – so it manifested in my acting nuts since I knew I was feeling SOMETHING strong but wasn’t sure what and wasn’t sure how to express it.

As this continued it became immediately apparent to my mind that I WANTED to experience hellish nightmares. I didn’t know why – but it felt right. I began to look up “bad trip vibes” etc. on YouTube to try to find something overwhelming and horrifying, because I didn’t know what these emotions were or how to channel them. But horrifying and overwhelming things felt satisfying like I was teething and chewing on bone.

Put simply: Feeling bad felt GOOD.

I searched for scary sound effects, then eventually I found what I felt I wanted which was a sound effect clip of a screaming panicked crowd. I listened to this and I began to shake physically and a rage and fury I have never known built up inside of me.

Suddenly I just snapped, in a violent torrent of utter fury I started physically attacking the air. My entire body was shaking with blind rage. I continued physically attacking the air for a LONG time with headphones in and the sound of screaming crowds at full volume. As I continued to do so, tears began to escape my eyes slightly and then it slowly became apparent what precisely it was that I was experiencing – which was over a decade of repressed grief and anger over the loss of my mother.

I attacked the air so long and so viciously and only stopped because my fitness was not able to go any longer. Although I believe if my fitness allowed it I could have continued for a good 2 hours or more smashing at the air in fits of anger, I could not continue.

Everything was soaked in sweat, I was panting and it took a time to get my breath back.

—

When I did get my breath back, I put on music, then a torrent of different emotion hit me, which was grief. I cried extremely and profusely. So much so that I was hyperventilating. This lasted for at least an hour or two. I was yelling at nobody WHY, WHY, WHY.

I was verbalizing thoughts and feelings from over a decade ago: Friends being “sorry for my loss” but how could they possibly know? How can they know what it’s like to – as young boy – watch the only parent you have slowly lose their life to cancer? To know what it’s like for her to come home in “remission” and everything feels good and right and then she’s suddenly extremely ill. Then watching paramedics take her away in a wheelchair while she has no hair due to the chemo drugs as she repeatedly tells me she’s so sorry.

How can they know what it’s like to be a 14 year old boy watching the only person you love and care about die in an ICU unit with tubes stuck down their throat, barely resembling your loved one at all where the sickness has physically damaged them so much?

And how can I POSSIBLY show them I feel this way? How can I tell people I really feel this way? They don’t know what to do or say, they just feel uncomfortable. So at the time of this life event I started to feel guilty for even feeling these feelings. I began to feel that my suffering was impacting others and I felt that was my fault… Again I shoved everything down… I felt afraid people would casually make “your mom” jokes and that they would then feel awkward after some whisperings in their ear (which did in fact happen) and I would feel guilty for this – it’s all my fault people feel this way around me.

How long do you think the people you call friends can bare to put up with your pain and depression? A week, a month?

They have not been hit by trauma, so after a little while, especially given everyone is still a child, you are nothing but a burden. They can’t understand how you could feel pain for so long and there’s only so long they’re willing to be supportive. They don’t know that I lost EVERYTHING, not only my actual daily life which was now of course permanently altered with new living situations etc. but also my sense of identity. I lost EVERYTHING that made me ME. I might as well have died myself… Eventually everyone just continues and you are sort of left behind, you’re “damaged goods”.

—

While crying and outpouring all this emotion at the same time I began to smile while still crying. Because I had connected to a part of myself that has always been out of bounds except in dreams. I was almost ecstatic and devastated at the exact same time because I felt so unburdened.

In dreams I would see my mother dying repeatedly and scream and yell at the top of my lungs – but then as soon as I woke up it was gone, I could not feel a thing. Like it was out of bounds to my waking mind.

For the first time in my life, these obviously repressed feelings came out in my waking conscious self…

I felt like the part of me I lost when my sense of self fractured in two (at the point of my mom’s death) came back. I felt like the two fractured parts had finally come back together, albeit sort of duct-tape tier fixed together, I clearly will never be quite the same (as would be expected), but a part of me that has been lost for almost 15 years came back.

—

I looked over my room and saw a box of Quest protein bars in the birthday cake flavor. It felt so apt, I felt that I had been reborn back into the world.

This was my new birthday.

I consider myself to now have two birthdays, my real birthday where I entered the world, and my second birthday where after losing my life I was reborn back into existence.

I felt as though I should try to permanently stop taking the medication I have been on for the anxiety and depression (I stopped taking them just for this experience. I have tripped a number of times before but I always want stronger visuals and felt if I stopped taking medication I might get to experience that).

—

Whatever happens from here, even if after the afterglow I feel a bit off again, there is absolutely no question at all that I purged SO, SO, SO much repressed emotion that NEEDED to come out and I will no doubt feel better in daily life than I can remember ever feeling. And that is why despite physically trembling from head to toe with grief I was smiling and felt so happy to know that this was leaving my body.

You cannot live your life with that much rage hiding deep down somewhere in your psyche.

LSD 750ug [Claimed – Unlikely]: A strong and hypersexualized trip

00:00 (Midnight): Sublingual administration of two blotters of LSD (claimed to be 375ug each, but this dosage is extremely unlikely).

10:52 AM: Commence writing trip report.

—

Experience

I begin playing Call of Duty: Modern Warfare while awaiting the trip to begin. After about half hour to an hour the typical patterning and technicolor aspects of LSD begin to take hold. I start to play the game in a strange way, rather than focusing on the objective I find myself running around and spray painting various walls and firing bullets randomly into the air. I throw gas grenades and molotov cocktails into random locations just to watch the clouds of colour and flame.

At some point as the intensity of the trip becomes more prominent I switch off the console, as I am no longer able to focus on or enjoy playing the game.

I decide that I want to follow the LSD wherever it wants to take me. It gives me an urge to start playing with my dick.

—

As I do this, I experience a bunch of memories of many members of the opposite sex I had ever had any sort of romance or flirtation with. Especially prominent were high school experiences, the ones where I first began to experience feelings of sexual lust for the first time. Curiously this is the type of thing which I experienced rather than reliving actual sexual encounters. It appeared to be more like reliving “landmark” type events… This did include my first forays into sexual activity with one particular girl’s big ass which she let me play with.

The flashbacks are not simple memories, but instead very complex, and rather than viewing it outside the looking glass, I am very much IN the scene itself. It is more like I am actually reliving that particular moment, rather than simply remembering it.

Due to the fact my focus is distracted a lot by the feelings I am getting from playing with myself I’m not able to experience that particular thing as deeply as I have in past trips. But it always seems to feel like workers in my subconscious mind put together a scene made of props and movie studio lighting (etc.) to produce these set pieces of memory which I am able to physically be inside of.

Vivid memories (of the type described above) of dozens of random flirtations and sexual encounters throughout high school came to me in rapid succession. I became fixated on one girl in particular who was perhaps my most intense high school crush, and perhaps the first girl I ever mutually explored true lust with.

I feel that she was – at the time – exploring her sexual side and seductive power over men, and I was for one of the first times feeling a sense of true primal, carnal lust. At the time I was still a little reserved in my sexual side which had not yet blossomed, and so nothing very serious happened between us. But the experiences for me were still powerful as my first glimpses into the sexual adult world.

Five particularly vivid experiences with this girl were relived as though I was there in first person:

1) An experience where, in leopard print leggings on a non-uniform day at school, she had come and sat next to me in class and sort of cozied up to me, perhaps with her arm around me or something of that nature, while we discussed photos of her that had been used on the school website. I remember I found her particularly sexually appealing in the leopard print.

2) An experience where, after an art class when I was tasked with tidying up, she requested that I take some of her trash. When I refused she said if I didn’t that she would bite me. At the time I was standing while she had been sitting, and she put her teeth on the back of my hand in a very sexualized manner while staring up into my eyes for a prolonged period, which seemed to be a sort of simulation of oral sex.

3) An experience where on her birthday she had wrestled a kiss out of me playfully.

4) A “whoops I dropped my pencil” type experience where she seemed to me to be purposefully bending over in front of me in such a way as to show up her skirt. I recall she wore a bright pink thong on that occasion.

5) A less sexualized but more romantic incident in which she had written an “I <3 You” note to me.

—

Although this particular woman and these particular encounters were vividly recounted, there was a cascade of others.

One other that featured prominently was the first girl I ever had any sexual feeling at all for which is when I had first moved up into high school. She was a rather slender and appealing blonde girl in my class. Again this girl and I had some sort of flirtation or something going on between us. I recall her friend telling me that “*girl’s name* wants to suck your willy.”

I recalled most vividly times where, in class, she would lean across me to “get the attention of a teacher” and just stay quite literally lying on top of me needlessly, our bodies pressed closely together as she continued to reel off random questions – seemingly to prolong the amount of time she could stay on top of me like that.

And then after this, another girl who I recall I seemed to have built an actual friendship type connection with (as opposed to simple lust/sexual connection). I recalled her friends telling me that she likes me. I think this one stood out to me because it felt probably the closest to my first daliance into “love”.

Certainly I did not “love” this woman it never had developed to anything like that, but it was I think the first girl since I fully sexually matured where it felt like such a thing could bloom… The most intense high school crush I described previously, we were friendly with each other and could certainly have become closer in that way (I think to this day she is one of the only girls who has made a joke that I actually laughed at for real), but had not really got to know each other beyond just constant sexual interplay and innuendo.

Every time I ever bumped into her even years after this, there was never any sort of platonic feeling between us. There was always some sort of obvious sexual tension that never went away.

—

I jerked off and it felt as though every woman I had been intimate with, every desire, every flirtation, every feeling of lust, culminated all at once into one single point of focus. I found it difficult to reach orgasm because of this, so I loaded an adult porn site and watched a PoV video of “Miss Banana” just to hopefully climax so I could rest, as it was becoming exhausting.

When I climaxed it felt as though I climaxed inside every girl I have ever had any sort of sexualized connection with, as well as various pornstars I find particularly appealing. Point of view type pornography was very appealing at this point. I liked watching how the girl wanted it so much, and envisioning the arousal she was experiencing while slurping on cock like a total nymphomaniac.

However, the sexual urges became very overwhelming and intense. I was completely wiped out but these girls in my mind were just utterly insatiable. I think this was “Miss Banana’s” fault as the video of her continued playing after I was done and this girl seems like the biggest nymph the planet has ever seen. There was nothing I could do to stop them, they wanted non-stop sex, and it became exhausting to me.

In the end of the matter I was lying in a pool of sweat, and I felt rather surprised that I did not experience a heart attack, since i had to try very hard for well over an hour to actually ever reach a climax, and then was forced by urges to repeat it in immediate succession at least 6 times.

—

After enough releases that the urges perhaps began to slowly subside, I was able to finally mellow out – which I was actually glad for since I did not actually want to keep going with the sexual stuff since it was exhausting me and- as I said – I felt like I had gone at it so hard that I honestly was surprised I had not passed out or gone into cardiac arrest.

As I mellowed out I began to intuitively understand things about the connection between a man and woman.

I realized that at the base of everthing women WANT sex, all women (of course I am generalizing for the sake of a trip report – so not taking into account the more unusual sexual leanings) want sex badly. And so do men. And I seemed to understand at once that when a man and a woman talk – so long as one truly feels desire for the other, the connection can never be a platonic one unless the individual hides those feelings. As long as those feelings are apparent, they are either reciprocated or the connection is broken…

There is an undercurrent of secret yearning inside a woman for sex and vice versa in men. Yet when a man and a woman who find each other very attractive meet, they instead fixate on talking about some other random topic due to standards of social acceptability – as well as our own hesitance to be intimate with someone we have never even said hello to (yes – even as men it would feel really weird and uncomfortable in most cases to just randomly have sex with a girl we had never said a word to or know the first thing about… I’m sure to many men it sounds like the best thing ever, but if they were actually in such a situation and were not very drunk etc., it’s probable they would feel a bit weird about it).

The sexual desires and reciprocations seem to happen on an almost unspoken level: The woman is thinking about how hard she wants this guy to grab squeeze and fuck her tight ass, and the man how badly he wants to do it, but they are talking about random things like who they’re out with that night, or whatever it might be. Anything which allows the two to speak and get to know each other enough to where it no longer feels “weird” or uncomfortable to become more intimate with that person. Tattoos with deep meaning or stories behind them are probably useful in this respect, as it allows the man and woman to speak about something obvious rather than “uhhh yeah so the weather”. It’s something where they can actually “get to know” what each other is like as a person and feel a sense of familiarity with them.

I seemed to understand that in both men and women some individuals are hypersexualized and others are less sexual. I find myself on the latter end of the scale. I am more of an introverted-leaning bookish type who enjoys a night in thinking about a murder mystery or mysteries about the human mind and consciousness… I realized that woman who are hypersexual unlike me, care more about very primal things like the size of the man’s penis, how big and muscular he is, and therefore how hard he could make love to her. Equivalent are men who make statements like “who cares what the mantle looks like when you’re poking the fire!”

Conversely, myself and women who also seem of the more intellectual-leaning and less primal type seem to place far more value on different physical traits like facial beauty. We may be more interested in the idea of kissing or cuddling with a member of the preferred sex who has a pretty face, than we are in the idea of having sex with giant breasts and buttocks or giant penises, or whatever it might be.

It occurred to me that all of the women I felt a true connection with (in the sense it felt like we had a rapport that could have developed into a long term romance, as opposed to simply a one night stand) were ones who shared that leaning.

The ones I felt MOST close and similar to were the ones who – like me – put up a false exterior that betrays what our personality is like, simply to fit in with the “in crowd” because it is something we personally seem to need in order to feel worthwhile/validated. For example, despite my intellectual/philosophical leanings, I spend time buffing myself up and looking like a typical “gymbro”. One particular girl I had in mind was the same way, on the exterior she was clearly attempting to (and – quite successfully like myself) fit into a certain mould of person, but her actual personality was nothing like that exterior… I think this is not a common thing.

—

Eventually this part of the trip ended, although I cannot say exactly how long it lasted, it would have been around 4 to 6 hours.

After that sexual part of the trip, I found myself wanting to think about one of my favourite (real world cold case) murder mysteries, which I did do.

I was able to view every single scenario as though I was a specific person in that mystery. For example, an innocent husband coming home to find his wife dead. Because he is a suspect it is not easily possible to view things from the perspective of the man were he innocent… However I was able to do just that.

I felt exactly like I was him, and that these experiences had happened and were happening to me. It is things like this which make me believe LSD may have applications in police work regarding cold cases, as it allows you to view scenarios in novel and unique ways. Sometimes noticing different details or focusing on strange aspects of a particular crime scene photo that no sober person would ever think of… But in many solved cold cases, it was something just like that (a fresh person coming in who had some fresh spun thoughts on the case) that led to some kind of breakthrough.

—

After enjoying thinking about this cold case, I became quite hungry. By now it was around 6 hours after I took my dose and I had not eaten in a long time prior to dropping the tabs. I ate perhaps 1500 calories of chocolate.

I began to post musings on the experience online which is my usual practice, while now again listening to repetitive electronic genre music tracks. The sound is amazing.

I have heard these tracks before but they are captivating me like a hypnotic trance. It is all electronic music with a driving and Ibiza-club type beat, somewhat like Elrow events, but with no lyrics at all. They really capture you and take them with their beats.

I then documented this experience here which I have now seemed to be finished with at 11:52 AM (about an hour after I started writing this report). I will very likely edit more in, but I am still under the influence of LSD and as such – while some things are better said now due to being fresh and salient in my mind, other things I think I will be more able to describe when sober, and will make the necessary edits.