Usually I keep my eyes open. I thought I’d keep them closed during the entire process this time which was actually not easy. A light was on, so my eyelids were not bathed in total darkness.
I inhaled a very small amount, perhaps some was already soaked into the liquid pad from a prior experience. I think I took two hits.
Suddenly there’s a blank of memory then things are just happening and I don’t even really know it’s happening or what indeed is happening. I’m panicking but also simultaneously not. All my feelings are paradoxical. I’m confused about everything.
My mind is racing “fear, joy, panic, let go, what’s happening?” etc… I know I’m on DMT. I even know I’m on a benzo that hasn’t even kicked in yet that I pre-ingested before feeling the urge suddenly. So I have not really lost touch with reality. The visions however are very lucid.
I’m in the middle it seems of these four white corridors, there’s a door I’m then hovering over and yellow Homer Simpson type things are rushing by. I think I conjured them with my imagination but I don’t know. Everything is changing but I don’t really know what’s changing. I think there are windows but I don’t know. I really don’t know anything. I don’t know how I feel or what I’m meant to be doing or if I’m meant to be doing anything at all.
I can semi-control the visions with my imagination because I envisioned Marge Simpson’s blue hair if I remember right, but it’s semi out of control. I don’t know what’s going on. Darker pattern type things close and fold across like a book cover (patterns like the Necronomicon’s cover from Evil Dead) and then everything twists and these covers fall off. I’m in this white place still. I think there were wooden shelves. I really don’t know where I was. I think I was on top of a wooden shelf or counter.
I feel like the place is a classroom briefly. But there’s no message or lesson, I’m just tripping hard.
My mind is racing constantly and I don’t know what the substance or trip wants me to do. I’m trying to appease it. I don’t know what it means to let go and I don’t know if I’m actually meant to. I don’t know what’s going on or what I’m doing.
Then out of nowhere, I have a brief moment of meditation-like peace where things just happen and thoughts cease, this seemingly occurs randomly out of nowhere and I enjoy this moment. I have dark patterns and a sort of buzzing or vibration I cannot quite put my finger on, and in this moment I realize an expansiveness of awareness. I realize the self the observer behind the conscious experience… Shortly after for no reason racing thoughts come back.
I realize I don’t want this to end I want to stay here longer. It seems a bit like a Salvia trip actually (especially the repetitive Homer Simpson things running past my vision near the beginning), but I think I can feel my body still. I’m intrigued and want to watch things for longer.
Near the end in this white place of corridors there’s a glass window off to my right and there’s a man reaching through or over it or something offering me his hand beckoning me. I’m unable to move in the vision though but I enjoy his presence. I feel things fading or wearing off and this saddens me. I DO know that I definitely want it to continue.
I was then able to manifest very frightening imagery which both simultaneously scared me and didn’t. This thing comes up right in my face and bites down showing its teeth and bright red lips. Weird apparitions that get right in my face. I’m enjoying these scary things like a horror movie almost.
Although I’m aware of all these things throughout and like, even the fact I’m on benzos, on DMT, etc (I think I briefly forgot near the start until I “came to” in this place), it just occurs to me suddenly in the middle of all this while atop the wooden shelves: “I don’t know who I am.” I actually considered that thought specifically, and realized that yes it was true, I actually really don’t know who I am.
I don’t think I knew my name…
I could feel my body though. I wasn’t sure if I would die and I didn’t know if it mattered if I did. I didn’t really seem to know much of anything at all. I wasn’t sure which thing was more real, reality or new reality. I knew my brain was being fucked but it didn’t matter for this dilemna, because it felt like taking off a VR headset in a way or being external from perceived reality at brief moments when thoughts ceased and I focused on what was taking place and the expansive “Being” or awareness that I was.